Journals94
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Oh wow, it's 2019
3 min read
SO
How you ppl doin'?
I've stopped uploading stuff since 2012 (more or less), mostly 'cause I barely even do anything anymore, which SUCKS
It's been so hard to get any jobs, which also sucks since I gotta gather cash to go live outside this piece of ass country
I gotta leave this year, if not the next, I'm getting old gosh darn it
back on the topic that I've stopped uploading stuff: no one will definitely read this since it's been about 7 years and no one even read these back then
speaking of getting a job: I really wanna get a Galaxy Note 9 cause then I'll probably feel inspired enough to draw on my phone whenever, and it'll have enough internal memory that Imma even have DA installed, probably
BY THE WAY
if you know me, you must be aware how much I like Kingdom Hearts, and the final one finally comes out in a few days and I'm having anxiety problems because of it, but yea, I really want that and I'm all ready for it
back on the subject of not doing stuff: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO
there's some stuff that I do that aren't as boring as other stuff, but even the stuff I like doing are just boring, FUN IS BORING, HOW COME?
I got a friend who's building his life on video editing (he's already living somewhere else and lives out of freelancing and I'm jealous), but he's a workaholic, so he enjoys doing it
the one thing I do, besides a few freelances (like once every two months), is that I'm streaming! twitch.tv/Matoloko94 - Problem is: I mostly speak portuguese
IF you show up speaking English, Imma speak english with you, and some people in my chat also will most likely speak english with ya, so you'll be welcome there anyways
NOW, I dunno how this'll work, but I have plans of streaming Kingdom Hearts 3 during 100% of my free time (with bathroom/sleep breaks)
HOWEVER, I pre-bought a physical copy, in my country, so I'll most likely NOT play it on the release date, I can only hope it'll arrive on the same week at least!
So, as always: future is uncertain, my plans are vague and I can only hope for the best, cause I have no idea on what to do with my life
Have a good one
let's see how long it'll take for me to write another one of these
[EDIT: currently still dating, it's been a little over 3 years and I dunno what to do, cause I don't think she'd move out to another country with me, but that's priority for me]
How you ppl doin'?
I've stopped uploading stuff since 2012 (more or less), mostly 'cause I barely even do anything anymore, which SUCKS
It's been so hard to get any jobs, which also sucks since I gotta gather cash to go live outside this piece of ass country
I gotta leave this year, if not the next, I'm getting old gosh darn it
back on the topic that I've stopped uploading stuff: no one will definitely read this since it's been about 7 years and no one even read these back then
speaking of getting a job: I really wanna get a Galaxy Note 9 cause then I'll probably feel inspired enough to draw on my phone whenever, and it'll have enough internal memory that Imma even have DA installed, probably
BY THE WAY
if you know me, you must be aware how much I like Kingdom Hearts, and the final one finally comes out in a few days and I'm having anxiety problems because of it, but yea, I really want that and I'm all ready for it
back on the subject of not doing stuff: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO
there's some stuff that I do that aren't as boring as other stuff, but even the stuff I like doing are just boring, FUN IS BORING, HOW COME?
I got a friend who's building his life on video editing (he's already living somewhere else and lives out of freelancing and I'm jealous), but he's a workaholic, so he enjoys doing it
the one thing I do, besides a few freelances (like once every two months), is that I'm streaming! twitch.tv/Matoloko94 - Problem is: I mostly speak portuguese
IF you show up speaking English, Imma speak english with you, and some people in my chat also will most likely speak english with ya, so you'll be welcome there anyways
NOW, I dunno how this'll work, but I have plans of streaming Kingdom Hearts 3 during 100% of my free time (with bathroom/sleep breaks)
HOWEVER, I pre-bought a physical copy, in my country, so I'll most likely NOT play it on the release date, I can only hope it'll arrive on the same week at least!
So, as always: future is uncertain, my plans are vague and I can only hope for the best, cause I have no idea on what to do with my life
Have a good one
let's see how long it'll take for me to write another one of these
[EDIT: currently still dating, it's been a little over 3 years and I dunno what to do, cause I don't think she'd move out to another country with me, but that's priority for me]
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It's ya boi
3 min read
Sup
I'm absolutely 200% sure that no one that followed me here 6 years ago still use this and even if someone did, no one would see this, BUT STILL.
-About depression: I still feel not motivated most of the times and anxiety is a hell lot more intense now. BUT. I've taken meds and at least I don't want to die anymore.
-About drawing: I barely do it anymore, it's just when I upload stuff here, if and when that happens (it's been like this for years now). I'm not even as good as I was, I don't think. ALSO, I've been uploading paintings, but those are just painted over pictures, so it's not 100% original, it's just painted over, but still the results are pretty ok, it consumes time and effort (so it's not such a cheap thing to do) and it's art, so that's that.
-Health: not that anyone cares, but I've never been able to breath through my nose, even though it's a big one. And as of the moment I'm writing this, I've had surgery last week to fix a lot of the problems that stopped me from breathing (allergies not included), so I'm at home recovering (currently got a job as an English teacher).
-Personal life: shit's been hard these past 8 years, but everything seems better now, for me and people I know. Although feels like storm's a brewing, cause of the next topic:
-Plans for the future: I've always had a dream to bail this country, but with every passing year, that seems more and more like it's just about to happen. I'm trying right now to save up enough to live the first year abroad so then I get a job wherever and live there forever. Where? Any first world country would do, but I've got New Zealand in mind. I also plan on doing a part time job (also as a hobby) to make and sell cosplays (1st world country things are cheap and they're everywhere, here everything's rare and expensive - and the salaries aren't enough to buy gaming consoles). This year I'll be going to the Kingdom Hearts Orchestra World Tour and I'm too hyped for that, also on the same topic Kingdom Hearts 3 is just around the corner and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I think that basically sums everything up. May be missing some things out, though.
Welp, I did another entry of these journals. Feels refreshing
You have a great day if you read this
cheers~
I'm absolutely 200% sure that no one that followed me here 6 years ago still use this and even if someone did, no one would see this, BUT STILL.
-About depression: I still feel not motivated most of the times and anxiety is a hell lot more intense now. BUT. I've taken meds and at least I don't want to die anymore.
-About drawing: I barely do it anymore, it's just when I upload stuff here, if and when that happens (it's been like this for years now). I'm not even as good as I was, I don't think. ALSO, I've been uploading paintings, but those are just painted over pictures, so it's not 100% original, it's just painted over, but still the results are pretty ok, it consumes time and effort (so it's not such a cheap thing to do) and it's art, so that's that.
-Health: not that anyone cares, but I've never been able to breath through my nose, even though it's a big one. And as of the moment I'm writing this, I've had surgery last week to fix a lot of the problems that stopped me from breathing (allergies not included), so I'm at home recovering (currently got a job as an English teacher).
-Personal life: shit's been hard these past 8 years, but everything seems better now, for me and people I know. Although feels like storm's a brewing, cause of the next topic:
-Plans for the future: I've always had a dream to bail this country, but with every passing year, that seems more and more like it's just about to happen. I'm trying right now to save up enough to live the first year abroad so then I get a job wherever and live there forever. Where? Any first world country would do, but I've got New Zealand in mind. I also plan on doing a part time job (also as a hobby) to make and sell cosplays (1st world country things are cheap and they're everywhere, here everything's rare and expensive - and the salaries aren't enough to buy gaming consoles). This year I'll be going to the Kingdom Hearts Orchestra World Tour and I'm too hyped for that, also on the same topic Kingdom Hearts 3 is just around the corner and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I think that basically sums everything up. May be missing some things out, though.
Welp, I did another entry of these journals. Feels refreshing
You have a great day if you read this
cheers~
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I'm really afraid
2 min read
So yea, I'm sad again...
This time my girlfriend(?) had a mental thingy where she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore and I really don't know where she got that from, but it really scares me because I love her so much and I don't want to lose her too!
That came out of nowhere and then she was going to visit me (she lives in a different city) for the weekend (plus monday, cause it was a holiday here). Turns out saturday she made a party for one of her friends (and invited the rest of them) to her mother's house (which is in my city) whilst her mother wasn't there. Of course, I got jealous, but moving on: Sunday she said she'd stay at my house but guess what, she spends the WHOLE day cleaning the house for when her mother arrives, which happens around 5pm, by then she didn't want to visit me anymore and then she tells me to meet her in a place close to my house on monday morning. By then I couldn't sleep anymore (it's the third day without sleeping or eating now) so monday morning I met her and she was awfully quiet, not wearing the ring I gave her (cause we date and all... or used to?), she barely looked at my face, didn't say she loved me at any point. So we talked for a bit about what was wrong, I admitted my mistakes, pointed out hers, cause I thought she also needed to know it wasn't all me. Turns out I still have no idea what's going through her head, but I surely know what's going through mine: I don't want her to leave me. And this is not impulsive, no. This is because we have many things in common (it's written link on the ring I gave her and mine it's written zelda) and I love her and she said many times that she loved me (not recently though) and she even got mad when I said I doubted.
Oh wow, big text.
Well, I think that's it for now. I have nothing else to do but wait!
˜bye
This time my girlfriend(?) had a mental thingy where she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore and I really don't know where she got that from, but it really scares me because I love her so much and I don't want to lose her too!
That came out of nowhere and then she was going to visit me (she lives in a different city) for the weekend (plus monday, cause it was a holiday here). Turns out saturday she made a party for one of her friends (and invited the rest of them) to her mother's house (which is in my city) whilst her mother wasn't there. Of course, I got jealous, but moving on: Sunday she said she'd stay at my house but guess what, she spends the WHOLE day cleaning the house for when her mother arrives, which happens around 5pm, by then she didn't want to visit me anymore and then she tells me to meet her in a place close to my house on monday morning. By then I couldn't sleep anymore (it's the third day without sleeping or eating now) so monday morning I met her and she was awfully quiet, not wearing the ring I gave her (cause we date and all... or used to?), she barely looked at my face, didn't say she loved me at any point. So we talked for a bit about what was wrong, I admitted my mistakes, pointed out hers, cause I thought she also needed to know it wasn't all me. Turns out I still have no idea what's going through her head, but I surely know what's going through mine: I don't want her to leave me. And this is not impulsive, no. This is because we have many things in common (it's written link on the ring I gave her and mine it's written zelda) and I love her and she said many times that she loved me (not recently though) and she even got mad when I said I doubted.
Oh wow, big text.
Well, I think that's it for now. I have nothing else to do but wait!
˜bye
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Unhappy happiness
4 min read
So, no one still looks at this I'm sure (the same way no one ever did, but it's all here just in case I die one day)
BUT, I iz sadnes. AGAIN!111!1
Which is why I'm writing this thingy here, as usual.
So, not sure how went the last update neither when, but here's the deal: I love here, she says she loves me (one can never be too sure). So why am I sad? SHIT HAPPENS THAT'S WHY
Nothing big happened, but she doesn't correspond the love I give her, but she says she loves me. But I love her and I at least demonstrate it. People say (and I just might be) exaggerating, but I'm dead sure I'm not! I mean, I put her on top of every single priority. Here's the deal:
She lives in a different city so we barely get to see each other, so this weekend she said she would come to my city, BUT all of the sudden she says she's coming, and it is because of some dude she knows since she was a kid, and she's coming to see him because they're going to take professional pictures of nude people..... what. And then instead of deciding to come and stay at my place at night because she loves me, no, she wanted to stay at my place because she wanted a place to stay and that's it. Also instead of spending some time with me she's going to play some online games with her friends, who will go to her mother's house (which is in my city) and take their computers there. COME ON! SERIOUSLY? NOT TO MENTION she seems to avoid playing online games with me! Once we decided we would play an online game together, back then I was buying a new computer so I told her to wait. Instead she started playing without me and when I finally got the computer she completely stopped playing! A few days later she tells me her father's playing an online game, but it turns out it's her character with her nickname and shit, so I started playing that game to play with her. Guess what happened next. Just guess. She never again played that game. Now she's playing ANOTHER one with her friends (not me, her friends). But my biggest problem with these friends is that she never stops talking about them and she always take the opportunity to see them instead of me. You know. Her boyfriend.
So tell me, am I really exaggerating?
Also since I'm sad I wrote this on facebook:
BUT, I iz sadnes. AGAIN!111!1
Which is why I'm writing this thingy here, as usual.
So, not sure how went the last update neither when, but here's the deal: I love here, she says she loves me (one can never be too sure). So why am I sad? SHIT HAPPENS THAT'S WHY
Nothing big happened, but she doesn't correspond the love I give her, but she says she loves me. But I love her and I at least demonstrate it. People say (and I just might be) exaggerating, but I'm dead sure I'm not! I mean, I put her on top of every single priority. Here's the deal:
She lives in a different city so we barely get to see each other, so this weekend she said she would come to my city, BUT all of the sudden she says she's coming, and it is because of some dude she knows since she was a kid, and she's coming to see him because they're going to take professional pictures of nude people..... what. And then instead of deciding to come and stay at my place at night because she loves me, no, she wanted to stay at my place because she wanted a place to stay and that's it. Also instead of spending some time with me she's going to play some online games with her friends, who will go to her mother's house (which is in my city) and take their computers there. COME ON! SERIOUSLY? NOT TO MENTION she seems to avoid playing online games with me! Once we decided we would play an online game together, back then I was buying a new computer so I told her to wait. Instead she started playing without me and when I finally got the computer she completely stopped playing! A few days later she tells me her father's playing an online game, but it turns out it's her character with her nickname and shit, so I started playing that game to play with her. Guess what happened next. Just guess. She never again played that game. Now she's playing ANOTHER one with her friends (not me, her friends). But my biggest problem with these friends is that she never stops talking about them and she always take the opportunity to see them instead of me. You know. Her boyfriend.
So tell me, am I really exaggerating?
Also since I'm sad I wrote this on facebook:
What is life but fake temporary emotions created by some organic shit your body(a fragile meat sack with bones) generates out of evolutionary instincts? Emotions such as joy and happiness, which will eventually lead to sorrow and sadness, thus hurting you. Hurting you mentally and, soon after, physically. Each time you feel that awful inevitable set of emotions, you'll have a new mental scar that will cause you pain until the end of your miserable existence. So what's the point of living if you're just going to keep on suffering? Isn't it better to just quit it? Once and for all?
Waking up and not wanting to get out of bed because you know you'll have to deal with life. Life problems. Problems which you only have to endure because you're alive. Problems that you know you'll have to deal with for the time you're awake. Problems that won't go away no matter what, and if you do get rid of one, it seems that your action triggered a thousand more tougher problems.
Sure, if you're the adventurer kind of person then you do have a reason to live, to keep fighting off these daily annoyances. Well, do I have some news for you: Not everyone is like you. Some people don't see the point of it all. And don't you dare come to me with that "some people have tougher problems than you" bullshit, because sure, countless people DO have bigger issues, but they're not me and I'm not them and neither will help each other.
If you've been reading this up to this point, thank you.
To some people, such as myself and others I know, we have to deal with everyday problems in a tougher way because our brains, for some fucked up reason, simply makes us feel at our worst with the smallest of problems. I'm not making this up. None of it.
Go live your life happily just the way you were, I'm just expressing my feelings here in this facebook post that no one will read. Have a good night.
Cheers
-Matt
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Quick update... More to come!
3 min read
-my english is so fucking broken and I just don't care cause I'm sleepy as fuck atm-
A quick update on my thoughts at the moment, cause stuff happened and even more stuff is about to happen and I feel like making an entry (even though I already have drawn twice, which is kinda rare?)
Anyways, so, Ireland in january 10th to february 7th. Pretty much confirmed.
Not sure if I mentioned a girl on my last entry but I just checked and I don't believe I have. Anyways. After the breakup I was like: Now Imma fuck girls and shit. Didn't happen. Turns out I'm not fit for that, even if I want to. (not fucking girls, but getting them to fuck me for one night and just go away). I went driving to a bar (which is pretty fucking unusual for me to get the car) and then I did manage to only break my heart even more. Fuck life.
So I just added this girl and we ended up liking each other, I went to visit her last tuesday (I work all week, except for tuesdays), and it was pretty fucking sweet, and this week I will not work on wednesday, cause it's my birthday and she will come visit me (she lives in another city). So yea. Also, I lost a lot of fucking friends because of my ex. Cause she left me for someone I used to call a friend and I had lots of friends linked to that dude, now I am by myself AGAIN.
Even though I've found this girl, it doesn't feel like she likes me that much, even though she says she does like me, and I do like her, probably more than I should, but fuck me anyways. So let's just see what happens next. Good thing is she is cute and lovely and stuff, but she is also a nymphomaniac, which is fan-fucking-tastic.
Also I will give up on college and do some other college, cause the one I'm now sucks so much, though I dunno which I'll go next, cause I'm a depressed loser, so I don't like doing anything, neither I'm good at anything
Summing everything up, I like a girl now and we're hanging around whenever we manage to (which is not many times, not at least march I would guess, which is a lot of fucking time), and I got stabbed in the back by tons of people and it just keeps happening. My head doesn't know what to feel. It's a mess. A complete mess. I don't know what to do next. I need help. I should be asleep. I'll go to a psychiatrist today before going to work. It's 3:30 AM and I still need a shower. I must be there at 9AM. And at work at 10AM.
~bye I guess
[EDIT] So yea, I went to the psychiatrist and I'm now officially depressed and am taking antidepressants, which reminds me of Serj Tankian's song Unthinking Society [/EDIT]
A quick update on my thoughts at the moment, cause stuff happened and even more stuff is about to happen and I feel like making an entry (even though I already have drawn twice, which is kinda rare?)
Anyways, so, Ireland in january 10th to february 7th. Pretty much confirmed.
Not sure if I mentioned a girl on my last entry but I just checked and I don't believe I have. Anyways. After the breakup I was like: Now Imma fuck girls and shit. Didn't happen. Turns out I'm not fit for that, even if I want to. (not fucking girls, but getting them to fuck me for one night and just go away). I went driving to a bar (which is pretty fucking unusual for me to get the car) and then I did manage to only break my heart even more. Fuck life.
So I just added this girl and we ended up liking each other, I went to visit her last tuesday (I work all week, except for tuesdays), and it was pretty fucking sweet, and this week I will not work on wednesday, cause it's my birthday and she will come visit me (she lives in another city). So yea. Also, I lost a lot of fucking friends because of my ex. Cause she left me for someone I used to call a friend and I had lots of friends linked to that dude, now I am by myself AGAIN.
Even though I've found this girl, it doesn't feel like she likes me that much, even though she says she does like me, and I do like her, probably more than I should, but fuck me anyways. So let's just see what happens next. Good thing is she is cute and lovely and stuff, but she is also a nymphomaniac, which is fan-fucking-tastic.
Also I will give up on college and do some other college, cause the one I'm now sucks so much, though I dunno which I'll go next, cause I'm a depressed loser, so I don't like doing anything, neither I'm good at anything
Summing everything up, I like a girl now and we're hanging around whenever we manage to (which is not many times, not at least march I would guess, which is a lot of fucking time), and I got stabbed in the back by tons of people and it just keeps happening. My head doesn't know what to feel. It's a mess. A complete mess. I don't know what to do next. I need help. I should be asleep. I'll go to a psychiatrist today before going to work. It's 3:30 AM and I still need a shower. I must be there at 9AM. And at work at 10AM.
~bye I guess
[EDIT] So yea, I went to the psychiatrist and I'm now officially depressed and am taking antidepressants, which reminds me of Serj Tankian's song Unthinking Society [/EDIT]
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